Every day my life feels as if it is becoming more and more of a guessing game. I question what I eat in the morning, what I wear, what I do with my time. None of it necessarily feels right. There is no right or wrong answer, but for some reason, my mind continues to tell me that there is, like something will just click. I’m what that is. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it’s something superficial, like the way my hair looks one day, or how I feel in a certain outfit. Or maybe it's something deeper, like the way I’ll feel around one certain person who crosses my mind more than they would ever know.
It has never been easy for me to express the way I feel about practically anything. Talking about myself feels like too much. It becomes easier and more comfortable to keep everything in my head. I often wonder what it would be like to not constantly be thinking. I have never functioned that way. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t thinking about what was next.
It’s hard. It’s not enjoyable. I do my best to push past it and embrace the moments I’m in, but I am so often being pulled away by my own restless mind. I think I got it from my mother. Just like me, she would never say it to anyone (maybe other than my father, who has hinted numerous times at our shared inability), but I see it in her. I see myself in her always. I hope that to others I don’t seem as flustered as I tend to feel. I don’t want to be a burden, but how can I even call myself that when all I am doing is being human?
Humanity is a strange thing. We are so different, yet so alike. We fight, we argue, we love, we care, but none of it ever seems to be enough. We are constantly reaching for more. I think about this often. The fact that we only get one shot at this. No matter how wonderful or amazing we think someone is, we are all living for the first time. It is up to you to decide whether this motivates you or makes you feel insignificant. I go back and forth depending on the day. But as time goes on I grow more comfortable with the uncertainty. I think it’s because I am growing myself. I look forward to learning more about who I will become, but right now, I think I am happy with not knowing. It gives me more time to live just as I am now: hopeful, eager, and ready to learn more.
Maybe it’s because the sun is out, summer is on the way, and I just turned 20, but life is starting to feel more livable again.
yours truly,
maggie
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